Not So Innocent

January 5, 2009 at 5:19 am (Uncategorized)

“I really like you.   Do you feel the same way about me?”

“I’m enjoying talking to you and having the feelings that I’m feeling.”

The second voice sounds a lot like a typical Chris answer that would usually infuriate me with its vagueness and cautionary undertones. 


Imagine my surprise when I found I was the one who had typed that bewildering statement- around this time last year, to a guy I was “kind of” dating.  I really wish I could remember exactly what I was feeling at the time, but I can’t.  It’s such a typical Libra answer though- and since I’m a Sagittarius with Libra in Venus, it only makes sense that I’d act aloof or strange in matters of love- and disappear entirely when I’m finished with someone.


Now that I’ve become that “someone”, I realize it wasn’t all as neat and tidy as I’d hoped(well let’s be honest, it was neat and tidy for me, and I didn’t care about him).  The guy I said that (and many other strange, vague things) to was basically boring.  He was super hot, andextremely devoted, but a bit alarming in his posessiveness which is probably what initially turned me off.  The boring part of him (he’s a Capricorn) was likely just the icing on the cake, since I tend to be able to amuse myself.   So why couldn’t I have just ended it nicely, instead of fading away and never responding to calls, texts, or IMs?


And why do I suddenly want to get back in touch with him now??



Oy vey.  Guilt ridden, I am.

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Developing Resolve

December 26, 2008 at 4:34 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Recent events in my life are causing me to rethink a lot of things in my life… so I think I’ll start on my 2009 resolutions…

-STOP living only in the future, and start enjoying life in the moment. Every job I go into, I spend the majority of the time with one foot out of the door. That isn’t what has made me successful- it’s the fact that I do really good work when I’m concentrating on the task at hand instead of looking at a future goal. I live in a great city with great friends, but I don’t explore the city and I actively avoid the friends because I’m too busy applying for job transfers to LA or London. This has to stop. I need to really appreciate what I have NOW; only then can I progress.

-Leave the self concious bullshit behind, and start enjoying myself.

-Find a hobby that takes me outdoors.

-Quit relying on other people to keep me happy. That lessens my expectations for others, and makes me love and appreciate them more for who they are and what they do NOW, instead of who I want them to be and what I want them to do in the future.

-Return to dance classes and yoga classes again.

-Join either a book club or knitting club in town. I’d like to meet more sane friends who are female and share my interests.

-Go to shows more often and get to know and understand the Atlanta music scene a bit better. I know there are some talented indie artists out there- finding them should be fun.

-Play “Moonlight Sonata” on the piano from memory.

-Record 10 songs, put on myspace. Dismiss recently acquired shyness, and show what I’ve got goin’ on.

I may add to this later. These are just the things that I’m working on RIGHT NOW. I’m also looking to make less lists, stop categorizing my achievements and see things from a wider perspective.

Whew. I’m much happier after a few revelations.

**Thank you to Chris Fudurich for indirectly helping me make this list over the past 6 months. Yeah… This is why we’re friends.

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December 20, 2008 at 8:13 am (Uncategorized) (, )

Haven’t gone to sleep all night. Paramedics picked up Grandma very early this morning.
Parents are at hospital.
I’m home waiting for other grandparents (dad’s side) to wake up so I can tell them what happened.
Knitting a prayer/comfort shawl for Grandma WHEN she comes home from the hospital. :) She’s a fighter.

But she could also use your prayers. So could my mummy. And my dad. Not the praying type? A few positive thoughts you have left over during this holiday season would be appreciated.


**UPDATE** Grandma is still in the hospital, but apparently she’s doing much better.  She will have surgery on Monday, and from there, we’ll see how everything goes.  Gosh, this has been such a rough holiday on my parents already!  First the other grandparents get stranded in Houston because of the weather, now this.  Oh, and apparently grandma has been living with bladder cancer for about 6 years now– and no one told me.  We really have communication issues in this family, don’t we?  In any case, Grandma will get through this, and so will the rest of the family.  My mom and dad deserve a happy Christmas, and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen!

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Cash Block

November 29, 2008 at 12:47 am (Uncategorized) (, )

I write, I read. I’ve just bought a new keyboard (it’s the one that was on sale at Target), a guitar (10 bucks on Ebay) , and a very small flat screen tv (it was my Christmas/birthday gift from the parents). I also have a huge yarn stash, tons of knitting needles, a bunch of 80’s aerobics videos on VHS, work friends, real friends, a cat, and several loads of dirty laundry to sort out. I have several ounces of hair to sew onto my head, clothes to try on in my closet, and trails to walk in my beat up sneakers.

But none of this matters when I can’t stop thinking about money.

My savings account is an absolute joke. I never saved any money throughout high school and college, though I always had a savings account. When I began getting real paychecks after leaving school, the amounts were tiny that I was struggling to make rent and afford food at the same time. Nonetheless, that’s no excuse for the amount of money I don’t have now. I really am ashamed, and determined to get my financial situation in order before I treat myself to another jaunt to California, Europe, or really anywhere outside of the southeastern United States.

So now, like everyone else in the country, I’m panicking slightly about the economy. To be honest, I’m more worried about my personal economy rather than the country’s as a whole. Naturally this means I’ve cooked up a few grand schemes to put a bit more cash in my pocket (or at least keep what little I have):

-Christmas cards for everyone, Christmas presents only for my parents and a few friends. I love giving presents, so this is tough for me-as I tend to just buy things I think other people will like, and then give it to them excitedly. It’s fun for me, but traumatic for my bank account, so this year, I’m scaling back.

-Brown bag lunch/dinner/breakfast (depending on schedule) each workday. Cheaper, and loads healthier. Will also help me improve my cooking skills.

-Ebay-a-licious. I do this in spurts, because Ebay can be quite stressful for me, but it’s a good way to declutter my house, and I’m recycling the things I don’t use anymore rather than leaving them to get old and dusty and then tossing them when I move away again. Apparently Associated Content pays a lot better, and they pay up front for each article- so I may cross publish my little lame tutorials there as well. I’ve been getting very random with my writing topics, but I’ve made a whopping 7 cents so far (all off of the same article “How to Attach a Fake Ponytail“), so clearly I’m doing something right.

-E-Lance. Basically pick up as much online freelance writing work as possible. It takes up a lot of time, and can be slightly stressful, but it’s helping to build my portfolio, and strengthen my skills. Also, it’s paying work.

Other things I plan to do include setting up a nice payment schedule from my checking to savings account, and establishing a second savings account JUST for travel money.

Things I don’t particularly want to do, but am willing: get another job, or work major over time in my old department. These are both last resorts. I’m nowhere near desperate or destitute, I’m just sad that my money doesn’t buy as much as it used to buy.

Again, most folks are going through the same sort of issues- though I doubt they were so irresponsible as to not even have TWO months rent socked away in case of emergency. I wonder what everyone else is doing… side hustles? second jobs? prayer?

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Reverse the Genders and it is the story of my life.

November 29, 2008 at 12:12 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

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When you smile, the whole world smirks at you.

November 29, 2008 at 12:01 am (journal)

Welcome to my newfound cynicism.

I do hope it can be distinguished from jade-face, bitterness, or generalized contempt. Overall I don’t like it, and would gladly take back naivete any day of the week.

This isn’t a “learning” experience. It will likely leave no lasting or even demi-permanent impact on my life and demeanor. It’s just here, and I feel it.

Ah, there’s my “purpose”.

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November 25, 2008 at 11:06 pm (Uncategorized)

I think…

I deserve love. Maybe I just send mine in the wrong direction. I’ll project it toward myself for a while, ’til someone comes along who can appreciate it.

I think…

It’d be nice to be made to feel like I’m special. Men rarely do anything requiring any thought when it comes to me- and I wonder why that is… I have a friend who takes girls out on expensive dinners, listens to them when they mention their favorite movies or shows or flowers, and then surprises them with that very thing. Just once I’d like to be well and truly pleasantly surprised by a thoughtful gesture from a man. Heck, it doesn’t even need to be a surprise- just thoughtful. I’ve never gotten flowers, never a cute note or email- and forget clever date ideas (well, I think Vegas with Chris counts. That was extremely cool, and I felt incredibly special- so there you go).

I was told this evening that guys treat different girls differently- which they should… but what about me says,” Yeah, I’d love to eat Taco Bell and watch some movie you bootlegged from the internet in my own home. How sweet.”

That’s the version of romance I get. Is it that guys just don’t feel like they should bother trying as hard to get me and keep me? Is it that they think I don’t know any better?

Disconcerting stuff, that is.

When I was dating regularly, it was always dinner-and-a-movie, or dinner-and-a-show. I just want to find someone with the balls, the sense of adventure, and perception to mix things up a bit and do something truly unique. When I say, “Let’s go to the fair!” or “Let’s pull over and jump in that bouncy castle!” or “Let’s take pictures of the World’s Pink-ist Pig Farm!” I want a man who won’t look at me with disgust, amazement, or confusion. Get out of the car, get out of your zone, and have fun with me.

I’m not talking first, second, or 5th date stuff here. It’ll take a while, and I understand that- but it has to happen.

I think it’s time for a new experiment. I’m going to be one of those quiet, occasionally giggly girls who never voices an opinion- basically the type of girls my guy friends date and then marry and impregnate. Let’s see what, if anything happens then…

…starting… now.

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A Notable Notary

November 24, 2008 at 3:08 am (busy?, journal)

I think I want to get as many random certifications as possible.  I arrived at this conclusion when a woman approached me in the Dollar Tree yesterday (I was buying my favorite hair and body oil that I can’t find ANYWHERE else) and offered me a job.  Actually, she attempted to flatter me into a job.  I was staring at the chocolate covered cherries, and trying to justify the purchase when a woman of indeterminate age with a wide smile and rapidly blinking eyes sidled up to me.

“Excuse me, your coat and boots and scarf and hair and sweater is all really soooo cute!! You look so professional and pretty? Where do you work? What is your name?!!”

I’m always startled by aggressive forms of flattery, but I tried to play it cool by answering her questions.  I immediately knew something was up when I told her where I work, and her eyes didn’t stop their repetitive flutter.  Normally when I tell people (which isn’t often) they go crazy with excitement and ask all kinds of questions about my job, or they furrow their brows and try to think of that guy from high school they used to know who may or may not clean the floors in our building.  Do I know him?  No.  I never do.  In any case, this woman was not to be distracted from her carefully crafted patter.  As an elderly woman cursed quietly at the felt Christmas doilies hanging behind us, the Ultimate Saleswoman continued:

“Oh yeah?  Don’t you ever get tired of the corporate life?  I have an aunt who did what you do, and she got out of it to enter the exciting world of Mary Kay!  You’ve heard of Mary Kay cosmetics right? Everyone’s heard of it.  Girl, you could do SO WELL with this.  I’m an assistant director of individual sales and…”

At that point I’d stopped listening because all I wanted to do was run from this wretched situation.  I felt bad because this woman was wasting her breath trying to recruit me, when she should have been trying to sell me some makeup.  I’ve never worn much more than mascara and lip gloss, but I know enough about it to know that hers was a bit too heavy but it looked nice.  I didn’t know a good way to turn this situation around without embarrassing her in front of the now interested circle of people around us.  I took her card, gave her a fake phone number and then hurried out of the store, feeling depressed.  I hate lying to anyone, but there’s a desperate look in the eyes of so many salesfolk these days- and I don’t want to get to that point any time soon.

So that’s why I plan to become a notary public.  And a massage therapist.  And an aerobics instructor.  All of these are slightly quirky positions within my skill set.  Also, none of the jobs would require me to do any pyramid selling, emotional selling, or really anything I find morally suspect.  So today I’m filing my application to be a notary public.  Soon I will have an awesome seal for official documents, and my floral signature will be seen on all kinds of business deals.

This is a GREAT idea.

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