“I’m enjoying talking to you and having the feelings that I’m feeling.”

The second voice sounds a lot like a typical Chris answer that would usually infuriate me with its vagueness and cautionary undertones. 

Imagine my surprise when I found I was the one who had typed that bewildering statement- around this time last year, to a guy I was “kind of” dating.  I really wish I could remember exactly what I was feeling at the time, but I can’t.  It’s such a typical Libra answer though- and since I’m a Sagittarius with Libra in Venus, it only makes sense that I’d act aloof or strange in matters of love- and disappear entirely when I’m finished with someone.

Now that I’ve become that “someone”, I realize it wasn’t all as neat and tidy as I’d hoped(well let’s be honest, it was neat and tidy for me, and I didn’t care about him).  The guy I said that (and many other strange, vague things) to was basically boring.  He was super hot, andextremely devoted, but a bit alarming in his posessiveness which is probably what initially turned me off.  The boring part of him (he’s a Capricorn) was likely just the icing on the cake, since I tend to be able to amuse myself.   So why couldn’t I have just ended it nicely, instead of fading away and never responding to calls, texts, or IMs?

And why do I suddenly want to get back in touch with him now??

Oy vey.  Guilt ridden, I am.

-STOP living only in the future, and start enjoying life in the moment. Every job I go into, I spend the majority of the time with one foot out of the door. That isn’t what has made me successful- it’s the fact that I do really good work when I’m concentrating on the task at hand instead of looking at a future goal. I live in a great city with great friends, but I don’t explore the city and I actively avoid the friends because I’m too busy applying for job transfers to LA or London. This has to stop. I need to really appreciate what I have NOW; only then can I progress.

-Leave the self concious bullshit behind, and start enjoying myself.

-Find a hobby that takes me outdoors.

-Quit relying on other people to keep me happy. That lessens my expectations for others, and makes me love and appreciate them more for who they are and what they do NOW, instead of who I want them to be and what I want them to do in the future.

-Return to dance classes and yoga classes again.

-Join either a book club or knitting club in town. I’d like to meet more sane friends who are female and share my interests.

-Go to shows more often and get to know and understand the Atlanta music scene a bit better. I know there are some talented indie artists out there- finding them should be fun.

-Play “Moonlight Sonata” on the piano from memory.

-Record 10 songs, put on myspace. Dismiss recently acquired shyness, and show what I’ve got goin’ on.

I may add to this later. These are just the things that I’m working on RIGHT NOW. I’m also looking to make less lists, stop categorizing my achievements and see things from a wider perspective.

Whew. I’m much happier after a few revelations.

**Thank you to Chris Fudurich for indirectly helping me make this list over the past 6 months. Yeah… This is why we’re friends.

But she could also use your prayers. So could my mummy. And my dad. Not the praying type? A few positive thoughts you have left over during this holiday season would be appreciated.

**UPDATE** Grandma is still in the hospital, but apparently she’s doing much better.  She will have surgery on Monday, and from there, we’ll see how everything goes.  Gosh, this has been such a rough holiday on my parents already!  First the other grandparents get stranded in Houston because of the weather, now this.  Oh, and apparently grandma has been living with bladder cancer for about 6 years now– and no one told me.  We really have communication issues in this family, don’t we?  In any case, Grandma will get through this, and so will the rest of the family.  My mom and dad deserve a happy Christmas, and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen!

But none of this matters when I can’t stop thinking about money.

My savings account is an absolute joke. I never saved any money throughout high school and college, though I always had a savings account. When I began getting real paychecks after leaving school, the amounts were tiny that I was struggling to make rent and afford food at the same time. Nonetheless, that’s no excuse for the amount of money I don’t have now. I really am ashamed, and determined to get my financial situation in order before I treat myself to another jaunt to California, Europe, or really anywhere outside of the southeastern United States.

So now, like everyone else in the country, I’m panicking slightly about the economy. To be honest, I’m more worried about my personal economy rather than the country’s as a whole. Naturally this means I’ve cooked up a few grand schemes to put a bit more cash in my pocket (or at least keep what little I have):

-Christmas cards for everyone, Christmas presents only for my parents and a few friends. I love giving presents, so this is tough for me-as I tend to just buy things I think other people will like, and then give it to them excitedly. It’s fun for me, but traumatic for my bank account, so this year, I’m scaling back.

-Brown bag lunch/dinner/breakfast (depending on schedule) each workday. Cheaper, and loads healthier. Will also help me improve my cooking skills.

-Ebay-a-licious. I do this in spurts, because Ebay can be quite stressful for me, but it’s a good way to declutter my house, and I’m recycling the things I don’t use anymore rather than leaving them to get old and dusty and then tossing them when I move away again.

-eHow.com. Apparently Associated Content pays a lot better, and they pay up front for each article- so I may cross publish my little lame tutorials there as well. I’ve been getting very random with my writing topics, but I’ve made a whopping 7 cents so far (all off of the same article “How to Attach a Fake Ponytail“), so clearly I’m doing something right.

Other Articles:
• How to create a Baking Soda Facial
• How to Earn Money on Ebay
• How to Become a TV News Producer

-E-Lance. Basically pick up as much online freelance writing work as possible. It takes up a lot of time, and can be slightly stressful, but it’s helping to build my portfolio, and strengthen my skills. Also, it’s paying work.

Other things I plan to do include setting up a nice payment schedule from my checking to savings account, and establishing a second savings account JUST for travel money.

Things I don’t particularly want to do, but am willing: get another job, or work major over time in my old department. These are both last resorts. I’m nowhere near desperate or destitute, I’m just sad that my money doesn’t buy as much as it used to buy.

Again, most folks are going through the same sort of issues- though I doubt they were so irresponsible as to not even have TWO months rent socked away in case of emergency. I wonder what everyone else is doing… side hustles? second jobs? prayer?

I do hope it can be distinguished from jade-face, bitterness, or generalized contempt. Overall I don’t like it, and would gladly take back naivete any day of the week.

This isn’t a “learning” experience. It will likely leave no lasting or even demi-permanent impact on my life and demeanor. It’s just here, and I feel it.

Ah, there’s my “purpose”.

I deserve love. Maybe I just send mine in the wrong direction. I’ll project it toward myself for a while, ’til someone comes along who can appreciate it.

I think…

It’d be nice to be made to feel like I’m special. Men rarely do anything requiring any thought when it comes to me- and I wonder why that is… I have a friend who takes girls out on expensive dinners, listens to them when they mention their favorite movies or shows or flowers, and then surprises them with that very thing. Just once I’d like to be well and truly pleasantly surprised by a thoughtful gesture from a man. Heck, it doesn’t even need to be a surprise- just thoughtful. I’ve never gotten flowers, never a cute note or email- and forget clever date ideas (well, I think Vegas with Chris counts. That was extremely cool, and I felt incredibly special- so there you go).

I was told this evening that guys treat different girls differently- which they should… but what about me says,” Yeah, I’d love to eat Taco Bell and watch some movie you bootlegged from the internet in my own home. How sweet.”

That’s the version of romance I get. Is it that guys just don’t feel like they should bother trying as hard to get me and keep me? Is it that they think I don’t know any better?

Disconcerting stuff, that is.

When I was dating regularly, it was always dinner-and-a-movie, or dinner-and-a-show. I just want to find someone with the balls, the sense of adventure, and perception to mix things up a bit and do something truly unique. When I say, “Let’s go to the fair!” or “Let’s pull over and jump in that bouncy castle!” or “Let’s take pictures of the World’s Pink-ist Pig Farm!” I want a man who won’t look at me with disgust, amazement, or confusion. Get out of the car, get out of your zone, and have fun with me.

I’m not talking first, second, or 5th date stuff here. It’ll take a while, and I understand that- but it has to happen.

I think it’s time for a new experiment. I’m going to be one of those quiet, occasionally giggly girls who never voices an opinion- basically the type of girls my guy friends date and then marry and impregnate. Let’s see what, if anything happens then…

…starting… now.

Well, not for naught. I feel great despite my worries.

I’m just sayin’.

I am completely barney.

Quinn asked me to read the books several months ago because he wasn’t sure if the reason why he hated them was because he was heartless, or because he is a man. Though the first book was poorly written and somewhat repetitive, I felt it was still “cute” and I quickly latched on to the Vampire loving fandom. I convinced Quinn to continue reading the books, and we did, together.

I am a bad friend.

When I think about how much time we wasted, how much money we each poured into buying those over-long, repetitive, and generally terrible books… it makes me want to drive a stake into series’ Mormon author. It’s not her fault though. I’m pretty sure she had no idea that her book would first get a following with the teen crowd, then move on to the Fantasy/Harry Potter nerds, then spread to the general population of shut-in catladies and sadgirls in their 30’s, who would pass it along to their late 20’s MILF friends, who talk to me about it at dinner as if they were the ones who discovered the series 2 weeks ago. It’s not Stephenie Meyer’s fault. What is her fault is the horrible writing, the unfortunate editing, and the incomprehensibly dull storyline that killed her last book, Breaking Dawn, thus killing the entire series for me. Just the fact that the sex scene between Bella and Edward was described in a such a fashion that makes me believe that Meyer herself is somehow a virgin, or the fact that the book promotes teen brides, teen pregnancy, and skipping school in favor of vampirism is annoying to me.

Now there’s a movie. It includes Robert Pattinson, the drunkiest member of the Harry Potter films franchise, and some 17 year old girl who looks as if she’s been spending too much time with Robbo. Nothing about this movie appeals to me in the least. Apparently it was made with no money, and according to the recent reviews- it shows. Mostly I’m just tired of hearing about the fucking movie. If I see one more “status update” on Facebook about seeing Twilight AGAIN (some of these girls/women have seen it 5 or 6 times, and it’s only been out since Friday) I will likely scream at any teen girl who comes near me.

I know, there’s no accounting for taste.