A Notable Notary
I think I want to get as many random certifications as possible. I arrived at this conclusion when a woman approached me in the Dollar Tree yesterday (I was buying my favorite hair and body oil that I can’t find ANYWHERE else) and offered me a job. Actually, she attempted to flatter me into a job. I was staring at the chocolate covered cherries, and trying to justify the purchase when a woman of indeterminate age with a wide smile and rapidly blinking eyes sidled up to me.
“Excuse me, your coat and boots and scarf and hair and sweater is all really soooo cute!! You look so professional and pretty? Where do you work? What is your name?!!”
I’m always startled by aggressive forms of flattery, but I tried to play it cool by answering her questions. I immediately knew something was up when I told her where I work, and her eyes didn’t stop their repetitive flutter. Normally when I tell people (which isn’t often) they go crazy with excitement and ask all kinds of questions about my job, or they furrow their brows and try to think of that guy from high school they used to know who may or may not clean the floors in our building. Do I know him? No. I never do. In any case, this woman was not to be distracted from her carefully crafted patter. As an elderly woman cursed quietly at the felt Christmas doilies hanging behind us, the Ultimate Saleswoman continued:
“Oh yeah? Don’t you ever get tired of the corporate life? I have an aunt who did what you do, and she got out of it to enter the exciting world of Mary Kay! You’ve heard of Mary Kay cosmetics right? Everyone’s heard of it. Girl, you could do SO WELL with this. I’m an assistant director of individual sales and…”
At that point I’d stopped listening because all I wanted to do was run from this wretched situation. I felt bad because this woman was wasting her breath trying to recruit me, when she should have been trying to sell me some makeup. I’ve never worn much more than mascara and lip gloss, but I know enough about it to know that hers was a bit too heavy but it looked nice. I didn’t know a good way to turn this situation around without embarrassing her in front of the now interested circle of people around us. I took her card, gave her a fake phone number and then hurried out of the store, feeling depressed. I hate lying to anyone, but there’s a desperate look in the eyes of so many salesfolk these days- and I don’t want to get to that point any time soon.
So that’s why I plan to become a notary public. And a massage therapist. And an aerobics instructor. All of these are slightly quirky positions within my skill set. Also, none of the jobs would require me to do any pyramid selling, emotional selling, or really anything I find morally suspect. So today I’m filing my application to be a notary public. Soon I will have an awesome seal for official documents, and my floral signature will be seen on all kinds of business deals.
This is a GREAT idea.
